Guarding the Heart of Your Marriage

 Fairly fresh to the empty nest years, our hearts are a jumble of mixed emotion! Nevertheless, we are learning to intentionally seize the moments and have fun in this new stage of life! The key to growth and happiness, as in any stage, is being willing to flex and try new things.

Some ideas we've tried that you might find helpful too:

1)  Turn off the TV, listen to music, and read a good book together.

2)  Put on some music and dance! Check out an instruction video from the library and learn in your living room. No one else will see you there unless the neighbors peek through your window. You might want to pull the blinds.

3)  If you're brave and rise to the challenge, sign up for a dance class. Many places offer one or two introductory sessions for a minimal fee.

4)  Purpose to participate at some level in your spouse's hobby or interest. Go to the golf course to watch your spouse hit a ball or two. Then read your book or sketch (like Eileen does). Or browse an antique store or take a picnic to the park to eat and read (like Chuck does with Eileen).

5)  Now that the house is empty, take your sex life to the next level! Savor special moments by getting creative with foreplay. With a little purposeful (cause we all know it usually doesn't just happen) thought and planning, you can enhance your love life. Song of Solomon in the Bible is a great instruction manual! When you purpose to fan the flames, the fire for one another will grow.

A good marriage doesn't just happen, no matter what stage of life we are in. THE EMPTY NEST YEARS can be the best years yet, but we're discovering that we have to be intentional about investing in our marriage.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning was right when she wrote to husband, Robert: Come and grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

We are finding her words to be true. We wouldn't trade this bittersweet autumn of life for all the springtimes in the world!

1. How your family of origin influences your expectations.

For Eileen—Dad cooked, cleaned, did whatever needed to be done without being asked; She expected it to be the same with Chuck.

For Chuck—He assumed sex would be 24/7.

Boy, were we both in for a surprise!

**Take 5 minutes as a couple to write down the expectation(s) you brought to marriage. Discuss them. Were you surprised? Are you still living that way? Would adjusting the expectations make any area of your life easier or less stressful?

2. Lowering your expectations.

It is usually easier to change expectations than the reality of the way things are. Lowering expectations will lower the stress. Voicing expectations is a necessary beginning to the other’s understanding. Express thoughts and feelings honestly without fear. Don’t be afraid to include a third party intervention as needed.

3. Developing a lifestyle of loving compromise.

Write down everything involved in the expectation (each spouse write solutions).

I feel_________

when you_________

 I would prefer________

4. Finding common ground.

Ask yourselves: What's working? Rejoice in that. Ask yourselves: What isn't working? Keep problem-solving until you find a win/win solution for both of you.

The Ugandans call Americans, mzungus or white wanderers. Chuck and I met some of these precious, caring mzungus today. We were privileged to work with two couples who came to us for counsel concerning various issues.

As we played tag-team, we were impressed by the Spirit's work in each one of these dear ones who are God's choice servants on the frontline. Many have overwhelming obstacles against them, and without the Lord's wisdom we would never know how to minister to them. But God is faithful and He moved today in ways we never dreamed.

PLEASE KEEP PRAYING for the work HE wants to do through us this week, especially as the official retreat begins tomorrow.

I sit down beside a young, Ugandan girl with short-cropped hair to enjoy the morning service under the trees. Her name is Judith and she tells me that it is her first Sunday with us. She heard the music from the street and said to herself, "They worship God in there so I will go in and see."

John Michael, security guard for the compound, greets us with a toothy grin. He helps set up chairs and take them down. James, a fifteen-year old son of Mama Rose, distributes song books and then collects them at the close of the service.

Chuck and I share our testimonies in the service. A row of little children sit on the front all ears and smiles. Afterwards, they flock around the berry tree to pick and eat.

Innocent comes over and asks us some questions. He is handy with wood and wrought iron and has crafted many delightful pieces for the Nestor compound.

Mama Rose tells us she is a teacher, but now works for a family. Her favorite dish to prepare is boiled sweet potatoes, no spices. She says that is better on the stomach. I wish our Indian friends felt the same way!

Jenny, a pre-school teacher from the UK, will tend the missionary children when we begin our retreat on Tuesday. She will return home in August after a brief stint in Jinja.

James, a nineteen-year old guitarist from Britain, is thrilled with the pics and strings that Steve Johnson donated. He beams when he tells us he is learning to worship God with his music.

Jeremiah and Jessica, founders of Restoration orphanage, have fallen on many hard times and need the encouragement of the retreat. They are about to give up and throw in the towel.

Jose and Sol, Puerto Ricons, teach at the Welcome Home orphanage in the Christian school and at the seminary. They are long distance grandparents also, so enjoyed talking with them after lunch at Ling Lings, the best Chinese restaurant I have ever eaten at.

Jinja is a melting pot for all kinds of ethic groups. And the Nestor home almost feels like Francis Schaefer's La Brie in Swizterland where many would come to learn more about Christianity. The Nestor live in a Muslim neighborhood, but Christianity is still the dominant religion of Uganda (85%) with only 11% Islam influence. Still, every morning at 5:00 we wake up to the sounds of the mosque next door.

Many humorous stories about life in this land. Debbie tells me that one day she asked a Ugandan: "That is a beautiful tree. What do you call it?"

He replied, "A very beautiful African tree."

The piki pikis or boga bogas are also a humorous sight. These are bicycles on which the people carry anything and everything from dead bodies to furniture.

Las night during our boat ride on Lake Victoria we saw a variety of African birds and some macques leaping around in the trees. It was moving to realize that we were traveling the same Nile that Moses' basket waded in thousands of years ago. Only 4000 miles downstream and we would be in Egypt!

PRAY for us as we prepare for the retreat tomorrow. We are excited to begin our ministry to these beautiful servants of the Lord who serve on the frontlines.

"Bonga!" John Michael balls his hand into a fist and smacks it lightly against mine. This is a greeting in Uganda, the place the Nestor's call "The Mayberry of Africa."

Indeed, we woke up to a rooster crowing this morning. A thunderstorm with lightening left the ground wet and the breeze blowing off of Lake Victoria is fabulous!

Such greenery. Lush flora in the form of palms, fruit trees, and flowers. Lovely complex here at the Nestors' home. We are enjoying our introduction into African life and look forward to meeting the couples at our retreat. We plan a boat ride on the lake later today and a tour of the resort which will host the conference.

Two couples will be attending who are not yet believers, one is a mixed marriage--Ugandan and European. PRAY for us as we work with these precious couples. Typically, Ugandans view women as second-class citizens, and often this carries over even after they become Christians.

This is a Muslim neighborhood with mosque next door, so PRAY for the Nestors' witness and safety.

Uganda is the size of Illnois with Kenya bordering to the East, Tanzania to the South, Congo to the West, and Sudan to the North.

Random ramblings from Jinja!

The breeze is blowing off Lake Victoria, the source of the Nile. The turaco caws outside the window as it flies from one tree to another in the Nestor yard.

Yes, we arrived in Jinja safely and will begin our five-day marriage retreat on Tuesday with 20 couples at the KIngfisher Resort. The conference will include group and individual sessions.

Right now we are visiting with the Nestors who have graciously invited us to stay in their lovely home with surrounding courtyard full of papaya, mango, avocado, and jack fruit trees. The large yard is also home to the international church they started which now has 143 attendees.

More later as time and energy allows! Appreciate your prayers for the ministry here.

Since the battle rages over traditional marriage, that is, the union of one man and one woman for a lifetime, Eileen has stepped a toe into the arena, more like a foot (hopefully not in mouth , to fight for what God instituted in the Garden.

Restored Hearts , Book Two in the Born for India trilogy, is on its way to the press as we type. The novel deals with a young man who struggles to leave a homosexual lifestyle. A young woman, who has loved him for as long as she can remember, waits in the wings. But will Tim's dark secret destroy any chance of a relationship with Esha?

You can purchase a signed copy from Eileen for $15.00 by emailing:

chuckandeileen@guardyourmarriage.com

Since Ingram Distributors takes about 30 days to get new titles into their system, look for Restored Hearts in the public market by March 30.

Until then, send Eileen your order.

In preparation for our upcoming marriage ministry in Uganda, we've been reading through a couple books we think you might find worthy of attention.

The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley

The DNA of Relationships for Couples (four fictional couples are profiled as they work through a four-day marriage intensive) by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Bob Paul.

Visit www.smalleymarriage.com for more helpful information and to check into attending a four-day Marriage Intensive hosted by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Bob Paul.

These books emphasize just what we adhere to through our site: to guard the heart of your marriage. In order to do that, Smalley and Paul suggest several principles:

1)  Establish a safe environment in your home where you can open up and share.

2)  Take responsibility for your own emotions--self care. Also become a trustworthy person that your spouse can safely confide in. Everyone falls short of this at times, so each spouse must take care of his own heart. In other words, guard your heart closely. If a particular interaction does not feel safe, tell your spouse so. Tell him/her that you are choosing not to expose your heart at this time because you feel threatened. When the environment is safe again, you will share. This way you are not handing your heart out indiscriminately to be trampled. This is part of loving yourself so that you can love the other person. Guarding your heart actually frees you as you no longer feel like a puppet on a emotional string being yanked this way and that.

3)  Identify your fear dance. What trigger or button causes you to react to your spouse the way you do in tense situations? Fear of failure? Abandonment? Rejection? There are many and The DNA of Relationships does a great job of detailing each one and helping you identify the fear dance that takes place in your couple relationship so that you can learn new dance steps.

Highly recommended!

WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN

"Coping with Infidelity in Marriage"

(note:  In the following article, the pronoun "he" has been

used to refer to both genders).

Infidelity. A word you never want to hear. A situation you

never want to face. But, unfortunately, many do. And when

it happens, trust is broken.

Renowned secular psychologist, Eric Erikson, suggests that

there are eight psycho-social stages of development. Stage

five is identity verses identity confusion. According to Erikson,

if a person masters identity, then he will know the virture of

fidelity. He has a solid understanding of who he is and where

he is going.

Infidelity within a marriage reveals a lack of a clear identity

on the part of the offender, which may in turn confuse the

offended partner, shaking his foundation.

The offender is no longer viewed as an honest, reliable

person. The offended spouse may wonder what else he has

been keeping a secret. Integrity crumbles, leaving the

offended mate shaken emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

He may question his worth and value as a person.

Identity involves clarifying goals (what you say you are going

to do), values (what you actually do), and beliefs (the founda-

tion underlying what you say you want to do). For the Christian,

the Bible is the basis for a solid belief system. In reference to

infidelity, the Scripture clearly teaches that "it is God's will that

you should be sanctified:  that you should avoid sexual immorality;

that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way

that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen,

who do not know God." (I Thessalonians 4:3-5)

Let's suppose that our couple in question are both professing

believers. What responsibility does each spouse have in restoring

a marital relationship marred by infidelity?

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDER...

Two practical steps can aid healing.

1)   Write a letter to God confessing the sin against Him. Revisit

your foundation in Christ, reaffirming your identity in Him. You are

forgiven, chosen, redeemed, beloved, and so much more, according

to Ephesians chapter one. Knowing who you are in Christ can

establish a firm identity that helps you behave according to your

position--God's holy child!

2)   Write a letter to your offended spouse acknowledging

confession to God and to your spouse. Express repentance--

desire to turn from the affair. Ask forgiveness. Then outline the

trust-building tools you will put in place to verify to your mate

that you are taking steps to restore the broken marriage. Invite

your offended spouse to be part of the accountability process.

Allow him to "check in" on your life. Not only tell your spouse

that you broke off the affair, but allow him to contact the "other

person" to verify the truth. The offended partner needs to also

hear it from the third party.

The offended spouse also needs to see that you are employing

multiple buffers to keep from falling back into sin. Personal prayer,

Bible study, church attendance, small groups, accountability

relationships with same-sex believers, ministry endeavors, and

couple dates are all ways to show your spouse that you are taking

concrete action to shield yourself and your marriage from harm.

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDED...

1)    Write your own letter to God, expressing any feelings

of anger, confusion, grief. You may experience a righteous

anger over the sin (Eph.4:26). You may even be angry at

God for not keeping the infidelity from happening. By faith,

present yourself to the Lord, along with all the hurt and

abuse you have suffered. Climb up on the altar, surrendering

fully to God's will for you NOW (Rom.12:1). Choose to

forgive your spouse for the wrong suffered, just as God in

Christ has forgiven you (Eph.4:32).

2)    Write a letter to your spouse. Express the "why." Share

your confusion. Ask him to help you understand why he

would do such a thing. Communicate the hurt, betrayal,

anger. Be willing to identify your responsibility and confess

any wrong on your part. You may feel you were only 5 %

responsible. Maybe so, but take 100 % responsibility for your

5 %. Allow God to heal you. Reconcile to build a healthy

love relationship with your spouse. The Holy Spirit can

work in your mate through your example.

Over time, trust can be restored, as each partner commits

to God's restoration process.

TIPS ON HOW TO DEVELOP A WORKING BUDGET

Information adapted from Clearpoint Financial Solutions

Relationship experts claim that finances are one of the three most challenging issues married couples face, yet many times husband and wife don?t sit down and discuss how to manage the funds that come into the home. This can lead to financial chaos and even to ruin if not checked.

If you want to improve your financial situation, you will have to change your spending and savings habits. You won?t know what changes to make until you assess your income and expenses. That?s where a working budget comes in to play.

A budget will provide you with a roadmap to financial security. If you drive carefully, perform the right repairs and maintenance along the way, and steadily steer toward your long-term goal, you?ll wind up where you want to be!

Where in the world do I begin?

You can start to budget at any time, but don?t put it off! Use your previous month?s income and expenses as the starting point for examining your cash flow. Gather data from your pay stubs, check registries or cancelled checks, bank statements, store receipts, billing statements, invoices and the life. Your goal is to develop an appreciation for how much money is coming in each month and where the money is flowing out.

Look at the money coming in.

You need to know how much money you have to work with each month. Identify and add up the sources of your typical monthly income. Your primary income source is probably your take-home pay (the amount you bring home after taxes, employee benefit plan contributions, etc. that are withheld). If you have a spouse who is employed, add in their take-home pay as well. Now add in child support payments, interest income, rental income, stock dividends or any other sources of money that you typically receive each month.

As you gather your income and expense figures, enter the data on a chart listing the categories and calculate the totals. You can assess an automatic budget calculator by logging onto www.clearpointcreditcounselingsolutions.org/credit_counseling_montyly.aspx. Also, log onto www.soundmindinvesting.com (Larry Burkett Ministries) for more information on charts and other valuable financial information.

Next, tally the ?Money Going Out.? Is it always a surprise when you discover that your paycheck is gone? Developing a budget will give you a clear idea how your money is being spent. It is important to know what proportion of your income goes to essentials (shelter, food, transportation) and how much is spent on non-essentials (cable TV, cell phones, hobbies, eating out in restaurants).

To prepare a list of your monthly expenses, consider those expenses that are fixed, those that are flexible or variable and those that occur periodically.

Compare the Two Totals

Look at your Total Monthly Income figure and your Total Monthly Expense figure. This comparison provides a starting point for putting together a budget that will enable you to meet your current financial obligations, make headway paying off past obligations and start accumulating savings to help you meet future needs that may arise.

Before proceeding, it is time to involve your spouse, if you haven?t already done so, in the budgeting process. You and other family members wil need to set and abide by specific spending goals in order to reach long-term financial stability. By enouraging their input in the decision-making process, you?re more likely to have a successful outcome when you implement the plan. Try to view the budget process as a challenge, rather than a chore, and display a ?willing? spirit!

A wise man once said to give as much away as possible and save as much as possible. This seems to be God?s formula for financial success and one which He blesses.