Guarding the Heart of Your Marriage

Freshman year. Southeastern Bible College, 1973. I sat in a wingback chair during a Welcome New Student Tea. The young man sitting on the floor began to ask me one question after another. I'd never been asked so many questions. Turned out that young man was Chuck Rife. The last question he asked me that day was, "Do you have a ride to church tonight?" It was Wednesday. I didn't have a car; he didn't have a car. But he knew a married couple on campus who did and were willing to give us a ride.

Thus, a friendship began which deepened into a love relationship. Three years later, I was walking down the aisle toward my valiant prince who had ridden up on his noble steed and swept me off my feet into everlasting bliss.

It wasn't long into our marriage when I realized my valiant prince had a few chinks in his armor and his helmet was abit askew. Even more disconcerting was the fact that his lovely princess had a few flaws of her own, and marriage only seemed to accentuate them.

We moved into our first apartment--campus housing--for $75 month, furnished with Rescue Mission finds and family/friend wedding gifts. Life was sweet. We would come home at night and flip on the kitchen lights. Chuck would grab one of my brand new kitchen towels and smack roaches on the walls and counters. Enter one of our first marital conflicts--I detest bug guts all over my counters.

But it gets better--Chuck told me he would do the bills for a year, then he would like for me to do them, which meant for the rest of my life. Needless to say, in those first few years, there were many bounced checks. Again, marital conflict.

Reflecting on our years together, I sat down, pulled out my journal and began to note some of the things I've learned over 34 years of marriage.

Stuff like:

1) If I want to have any cover, I have to nail the sheets to my side of the bed.

2) That a raised toilet seat is not a personal affront.

3) That we actually do have several things in common, like which way the toilet paper rolls.

4) That silence means "I'm thinking" about that.

5) That when my husband walks into the kitchen wearing goggles and with jackhammer in hand, I'd better prepare to call 911.

6) That when I can't find Chuck, he's either playing golf or hidden in a hole out front (he'll have to tell you about that some time).

7) I've also learned that marriage really is like a three-ring circus--first comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring, and then comes the suffeRING. But that God intends to use the suffering to make me more like Jesus.

8) I've leawrned that marriage will test every fiber in my spiritual fabric.

9) I've learned that the NO.1 problem in marriage is selfishness.

10) That the chief end of marriage is not my happiness, but my holiness.

11) That the greater the difficulties, the mroe opportunity I have to beomce like HIm.

12) I've learned that marriage can last a lifetime, 'cause I saw it modeled by our parents.

13) I've learned that Chuck can't be "God" to me. The LORD must be God--my number one Husband, Provider, and Protector--my security. This has been a growing process and still is. And God has used sexual difficulties, children's issues, family background differences, and financial stressors to consistently bump my focus back to Him.

14) I've learned that the closer we grow to God, the closer we grow to one another.

15) I've learned that words can wound or heal.

16) I've learned that marriage is a primary forum for practicing forgiveness.

17) I've learned that the 7 hardest words in the English language are "I was wrong, will you forgive me?"

18) I've learned that marriage is my NO.1 Ministry, because a strong marriage makes a strong family. Strong families make strong churches; strong churches make strong communities; and strong communities make a stron world.

19) For this reason, I've learned that marriage is on Satan's number one hit list.

20 I've learned that our marriage is a reflection of Jesus and His Bride, the Church.

So I ask myself? What kind of picture am I offering to those around me?

My son-in-law, Nathan, surprised me the other day with mounted pics hd had taken of Sri Lanka and Washington State.  He enjoys photography and these shots showed it! He knows just the right way to angle the camera, the right light exposure, the right equipment to use to capture the desired effect. All with clear, sharp focus.

That's my aim: to grow a godly marriage with clear, sharp focus--intent on one purpose: becoming like Christ and ofering the world a picture of His relationship with us.

So often in marriage a spouse looks for the bad stuff in the other person.

Wives seem to be particularly susceptible to pointing out every little infraction in their husbands, ready to pounce at the least provocation. Perhaps that is why Peter encouraged women to win their husbands over without a word (1 Peter 3:1). After all, Peter was married; he was no stranger to the nagging woman, most likely.

Come on, ladies, admit it--you've fallen into the trap of incessantly following your husband around the house, harping on this or that. Take heart, you're not alone.

Been there, done that, much to my (Eileen) chagrin. Instead of reap the desired response, it pushed Chuck further into his cave and made me look like a moron.

Why just the other week, the Holy Spirit was nudging me in this painful department. At His prompting, I became increasingly aware that at every turn I was pointing out negative stuff in Chuck's life, hoping that my words would "help" him see my point. To make it worse, this is a man whose love language is words of affirmation.

So, this week, I'm asking the LORD to help me focus on the good stuff. What is my man doing right? (And there is always something, ladies, that he is doing right).

Just looked at the clock . . . he's on his way home for supper . . . deep breath . . . look for the good, the right, and the lovely. Compliment him on a job well done today. Thank him for being the wonderful provider he is. In other words, respect him with my words. Give him what he craves so much--words that build up, not tear down.And then sit back and watch the wonder of a good word spoken in right circumstances.

Okay, ready, set, go . . . PRAY for me! I'll do the same for you.

 Fairly fresh to the empty nest years, our hearts are a jumble of mixed emotion! Nevertheless, we are learning to intentionally seize the moments and have fun in this new stage of life! The key to growth and happiness, as in any stage, is being willing to flex and try new things.

Some ideas we've tried that you might find helpful too:

1)  Turn off the TV, listen to music, and read a good book together.

2)  Put on some music and dance! Check out an instruction video from the library and learn in your living room. No one else will see you there unless the neighbors peek through your window. You might want to pull the blinds.

3)  If you're brave and rise to the challenge, sign up for a dance class. Many places offer one or two introductory sessions for a minimal fee.

4)  Purpose to participate at some level in your spouse's hobby or interest. Go to the golf course to watch your spouse hit a ball or two. Then read your book or sketch (like Eileen does). Or browse an antique store or take a picnic to the park to eat and read (like Chuck does with Eileen).

5)  Now that the house is empty, take your sex life to the next level! Savor special moments by getting creative with foreplay. With a little purposeful (cause we all know it usually doesn't just happen) thought and planning, you can enhance your love life. Song of Solomon in the Bible is a great instruction manual! When you purpose to fan the flames, the fire for one another will grow.

A good marriage doesn't just happen, no matter what stage of life we are in. THE EMPTY NEST YEARS can be the best years yet, but we're discovering that we have to be intentional about investing in our marriage.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning was right when she wrote to husband, Robert: Come and grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

We are finding her words to be true. We wouldn't trade this bittersweet autumn of life for all the springtimes in the world!

1. How your family of origin influences your expectations.

For Eileen—Dad cooked, cleaned, did whatever needed to be done without being asked; She expected it to be the same with Chuck.

For Chuck—He assumed sex would be 24/7.

Boy, were we both in for a surprise!

**Take 5 minutes as a couple to write down the expectation(s) you brought to marriage. Discuss them. Were you surprised? Are you still living that way? Would adjusting the expectations make any area of your life easier or less stressful?

2. Lowering your expectations.

It is usually easier to change expectations than the reality of the way things are. Lowering expectations will lower the stress. Voicing expectations is a necessary beginning to the other’s understanding. Express thoughts and feelings honestly without fear. Don’t be afraid to include a third party intervention as needed.

3. Developing a lifestyle of loving compromise.

Write down everything involved in the expectation (each spouse write solutions).

I feel_________

when you_________

 I would prefer________

4. Finding common ground.

Ask yourselves: What's working? Rejoice in that. Ask yourselves: What isn't working? Keep problem-solving until you find a win/win solution for both of you.

In preparation for our upcoming marriage ministry in Uganda, we've been reading through a couple books we think you might find worthy of attention.

The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley

The DNA of Relationships for Couples (four fictional couples are profiled as they work through a four-day marriage intensive) by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Bob Paul.

Visit www.smalleymarriage.com for more helpful information and to check into attending a four-day Marriage Intensive hosted by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Bob Paul.

These books emphasize just what we adhere to through our site: to guard the heart of your marriage. In order to do that, Smalley and Paul suggest several principles:

1)  Establish a safe environment in your home where you can open up and share.

2)  Take responsibility for your own emotions--self care. Also become a trustworthy person that your spouse can safely confide in. Everyone falls short of this at times, so each spouse must take care of his own heart. In other words, guard your heart closely. If a particular interaction does not feel safe, tell your spouse so. Tell him/her that you are choosing not to expose your heart at this time because you feel threatened. When the environment is safe again, you will share. This way you are not handing your heart out indiscriminately to be trampled. This is part of loving yourself so that you can love the other person. Guarding your heart actually frees you as you no longer feel like a puppet on a emotional string being yanked this way and that.

3)  Identify your fear dance. What trigger or button causes you to react to your spouse the way you do in tense situations? Fear of failure? Abandonment? Rejection? There are many and The DNA of Relationships does a great job of detailing each one and helping you identify the fear dance that takes place in your couple relationship so that you can learn new dance steps.

Highly recommended!

WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN

"Coping with Infidelity in Marriage"

(note:  In the following article, the pronoun "he" has been

used to refer to both genders).

Infidelity. A word you never want to hear. A situation you

never want to face. But, unfortunately, many do. And when

it happens, trust is broken.

Renowned secular psychologist, Eric Erikson, suggests that

there are eight psycho-social stages of development. Stage

five is identity verses identity confusion. According to Erikson,

if a person masters identity, then he will know the virture of

fidelity. He has a solid understanding of who he is and where

he is going.

Infidelity within a marriage reveals a lack of a clear identity

on the part of the offender, which may in turn confuse the

offended partner, shaking his foundation.

The offender is no longer viewed as an honest, reliable

person. The offended spouse may wonder what else he has

been keeping a secret. Integrity crumbles, leaving the

offended mate shaken emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

He may question his worth and value as a person.

Identity involves clarifying goals (what you say you are going

to do), values (what you actually do), and beliefs (the founda-

tion underlying what you say you want to do). For the Christian,

the Bible is the basis for a solid belief system. In reference to

infidelity, the Scripture clearly teaches that "it is God's will that

you should be sanctified:  that you should avoid sexual immorality;

that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way

that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen,

who do not know God." (I Thessalonians 4:3-5)

Let's suppose that our couple in question are both professing

believers. What responsibility does each spouse have in restoring

a marital relationship marred by infidelity?

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDER...

Two practical steps can aid healing.

1)   Write a letter to God confessing the sin against Him. Revisit

your foundation in Christ, reaffirming your identity in Him. You are

forgiven, chosen, redeemed, beloved, and so much more, according

to Ephesians chapter one. Knowing who you are in Christ can

establish a firm identity that helps you behave according to your

position--God's holy child!

2)   Write a letter to your offended spouse acknowledging

confession to God and to your spouse. Express repentance--

desire to turn from the affair. Ask forgiveness. Then outline the

trust-building tools you will put in place to verify to your mate

that you are taking steps to restore the broken marriage. Invite

your offended spouse to be part of the accountability process.

Allow him to "check in" on your life. Not only tell your spouse

that you broke off the affair, but allow him to contact the "other

person" to verify the truth. The offended partner needs to also

hear it from the third party.

The offended spouse also needs to see that you are employing

multiple buffers to keep from falling back into sin. Personal prayer,

Bible study, church attendance, small groups, accountability

relationships with same-sex believers, ministry endeavors, and

couple dates are all ways to show your spouse that you are taking

concrete action to shield yourself and your marriage from harm.

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDED...

1)    Write your own letter to God, expressing any feelings

of anger, confusion, grief. You may experience a righteous

anger over the sin (Eph.4:26). You may even be angry at

God for not keeping the infidelity from happening. By faith,

present yourself to the Lord, along with all the hurt and

abuse you have suffered. Climb up on the altar, surrendering

fully to God's will for you NOW (Rom.12:1). Choose to

forgive your spouse for the wrong suffered, just as God in

Christ has forgiven you (Eph.4:32).

2)    Write a letter to your spouse. Express the "why." Share

your confusion. Ask him to help you understand why he

would do such a thing. Communicate the hurt, betrayal,

anger. Be willing to identify your responsibility and confess

any wrong on your part. You may feel you were only 5 %

responsible. Maybe so, but take 100 % responsibility for your

5 %. Allow God to heal you. Reconcile to build a healthy

love relationship with your spouse. The Holy Spirit can

work in your mate through your example.

Over time, trust can be restored, as each partner commits

to God's restoration process.

TIPS ON HOW TO DEVELOP A WORKING BUDGET

Information adapted from Clearpoint Financial Solutions

Relationship experts claim that finances are one of the three most challenging issues married couples face, yet many times husband and wife don?t sit down and discuss how to manage the funds that come into the home. This can lead to financial chaos and even to ruin if not checked.

If you want to improve your financial situation, you will have to change your spending and savings habits. You won?t know what changes to make until you assess your income and expenses. That?s where a working budget comes in to play.

A budget will provide you with a roadmap to financial security. If you drive carefully, perform the right repairs and maintenance along the way, and steadily steer toward your long-term goal, you?ll wind up where you want to be!

Where in the world do I begin?

You can start to budget at any time, but don?t put it off! Use your previous month?s income and expenses as the starting point for examining your cash flow. Gather data from your pay stubs, check registries or cancelled checks, bank statements, store receipts, billing statements, invoices and the life. Your goal is to develop an appreciation for how much money is coming in each month and where the money is flowing out.

Look at the money coming in.

You need to know how much money you have to work with each month. Identify and add up the sources of your typical monthly income. Your primary income source is probably your take-home pay (the amount you bring home after taxes, employee benefit plan contributions, etc. that are withheld). If you have a spouse who is employed, add in their take-home pay as well. Now add in child support payments, interest income, rental income, stock dividends or any other sources of money that you typically receive each month.

As you gather your income and expense figures, enter the data on a chart listing the categories and calculate the totals. You can assess an automatic budget calculator by logging onto www.clearpointcreditcounselingsolutions.org/credit_counseling_montyly.aspx. Also, log onto www.soundmindinvesting.com (Larry Burkett Ministries) for more information on charts and other valuable financial information.

Next, tally the ?Money Going Out.? Is it always a surprise when you discover that your paycheck is gone? Developing a budget will give you a clear idea how your money is being spent. It is important to know what proportion of your income goes to essentials (shelter, food, transportation) and how much is spent on non-essentials (cable TV, cell phones, hobbies, eating out in restaurants).

To prepare a list of your monthly expenses, consider those expenses that are fixed, those that are flexible or variable and those that occur periodically.

Compare the Two Totals

Look at your Total Monthly Income figure and your Total Monthly Expense figure. This comparison provides a starting point for putting together a budget that will enable you to meet your current financial obligations, make headway paying off past obligations and start accumulating savings to help you meet future needs that may arise.

Before proceeding, it is time to involve your spouse, if you haven?t already done so, in the budgeting process. You and other family members wil need to set and abide by specific spending goals in order to reach long-term financial stability. By enouraging their input in the decision-making process, you?re more likely to have a successful outcome when you implement the plan. Try to view the budget process as a challenge, rather than a chore, and display a ?willing? spirit!

A wise man once said to give as much away as possible and save as much as possible. This seems to be God?s formula for financial success and one which He blesses.

Remember when you were dating and romance was fresh? Your love was new. Exciting. Captivating. Mysterious. You nurtured it. Savored it. Treasured it. And, most likely, at some time or another, wrote about it.

You took great care in penning words to your lover. Thoughts from your heart dripped off the page like honey from a spoon to be tasted only by your beloved.

Now years later, you barely speak to one another, let alone write love notes. Oh, you might grunt an affirmation to your wife while riveted to the TV screen. Or you might bombard your husband with the kids? concerns as soon as he walks in the door from work.

But as far as taking the time to get down on paper why you love your mate, well, if you were honest, you would probably say, ?No, I haven?t done that in a long time.?

Well, no better time than the present. Dust off that sweet smelling stationery. Search for that fancy feather pen and wax eloquent to your spouse. Write down what you appreciate about your partner. Thank your mate for the ways s/he fills your life with joy. This is not the time to air complaints. Instead, pour on the positive affirmation. It may just be the most precious gift you give your spouse today.

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

We?ve been married 32 years, and we love each other in a deeper, more satisfying way than the day we said, ?I Do?. But that love has not always come easy or without cost.

In order to truly love someone, you have to experience the deep places of pain and agitation. Times when you feel so bewildered and frustrated you could just scream. Times when you want to walk out the door and not look back. Times of great loss. Times of disagreement when the solution is cloudy and you see no resolution in sight. This is the stuff of life that God uses to mold a marriage made in heaven. Indeed, marriage will test every fiber in your spiritual fabric.

The struggle to grow a godly marriage can be downright wearisome at times. But God promises the time invested is well-worth the effort. He promises to renew our strength, to mount us up with wings like eagles, if we will commit ourselves and our marriages to Him.

It all begins with the mating ritual. The eagle is a beautiful example of lifelong commitment. In search of a worthy mate, the female eagle flies upside down to capture the eye of a prospective mate. The male eagle who will fly over the female and grip her talons, not letting go, even as she plummets toward the ground below, is the one who has proved that he will remain with her for life. As they both almost crash to the ground, the female releases her hold and flies upright. She is satisfied that her hero has risked everything to prove his love for her.

In the same way, a woman needs to know that her man will lay down his life for her if need be. And a man needs to know that his wife will surrender to his lead.

Furthermore, the eagles are equipped with a six to eight foot wingspan that enables them to fly long distances, as much as three to four thousand miles at a time. In the same way, mates need to know that the other is committed for a lifetime, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death due them part.

Like the eagle, godly marriages go the distance.

Sunday school teacher. Children?s choir leader. Crisis pregnancy volunteer. Rescue mission board member. Prayer group leader. Ladies? Bible study attendee. Bible Study Fellowship member. Praise team participant.

All sound like good things to be involved in, right? Well, yes and no.

Each of the above activities has tremendous potential to further God?s kingdom, but if pursued at the expense of one?s marriage, the results can be deadly. Few of us stop to think how Satan can use even godly things to deceive us and get us off track. My husband has counseled believers who have crippled or destroyed their marriages because they were too heavily involved at church. Some have even been swept away in extramarital affairs because somewhere along the way they crossed the line from just being ?brother and sister? in Christ to being ?something more:" needy people with no boundaries, guidelines or priorities, caught off guard.

We must remember that Satan is in the business of tearing Christian homes apart. Nothing delights him more. If he can destroy the family, he can destroy the church; and if he can destroy the church, he can destroy society. Sadly enough, he is doing a pretty good job of it. It?s high time we as God?s people woke up and took a good, long look at our lives, marriages and priorities.

All too often, those who serve are applauded from the pulpit and patted on the back by fellow believers for all the long hours and hard work they put in at church. ?Why, look at so-and-so! Isn?t she something? I can?t believe all she does for the Lord!? Meanwhile, her marriage and family are all but forgotten. It?s easy to work where one receives so much glory ? a little harder behind the scenes in a house full of kids and an indifferent spouse. Where?s the glory there?

If you are married, your first calling (after time spent with your Lord) is to your spouse. Plain and simple. If you are not investing daily time with your mate, nurturing good communication and fanning the flames of romance, then you are deceiving yourself if you think that all your church work will accomplish anything other than man?s applause. We add more and more programs to our church agenda, and then step back and wonder why none of them seem to work. Perhaps one reason is because our marriages are crumpling in our midst, hindering the work of Christ. Our number one ministry (our marriage) is crippled because we have filled our time with other well-meaning pursuits. We are running elsewhere to find the intimacy that lies at our very doorstep.

God wants to use the marriage relationship as a picture of Christ?s selfless love for His church. We have disarmed its power and potential to be a dynamic witness to an unbelieving world. God help us!

We need a change in attitude. We must begin to view our marriages as ministry. And we must never sacrifice them on the altar of what may look right, good and urgent on the outside. We must pray for discernment and wisdom to judge our priorities rightly. As couples, we must sit down together, pray, read the Scriptures, and develop a weekly plan for ?togetherness.? For it is by the love we show in our relationships that the world will be drawn to Jesus. The world needs to see solid marriages.

If marriages within the church are just as unstable as those outside, then how are people supposed to see the difference Christ can make? Where is Christ?s love? Where is the truth? Where is stability if folks can?t see it in our lives? What are we modeling that they would even want?

In our pre-marriage days, Chuck and I were drawn together by outreach to other people. We loved doing ministry together. Every Saturday evening we would go down to the Jimmy Hale Mission in Birmingham, AL, eat supper with the residents, participate in the evening service, and then go street witnessing afterward. Hey, cheap date! But we loved it! We got to hone our musical and speaking skills, and meet some very interesting people as well. We even saw a few of them accept Christ!

That?s why today, after 28 years of marriage, if we detect a drifting apart, it is usually because we are not doing enough ministry together. That is important to us. We don?t do all our outreach together, but we make a point of doing most of it that way. It keeps us close, because we are centered together on the most important thing in our lives ? serving Jesus. And we can bring to the ministry our gifts and talents to accomplish a similar goal. That?s fun! While we?re building our marriage by doing ministry together, we are building God?s kingdom.

Why not sit down together, regroup in this new year, and decide what your marriage needs? Maybe more daily time together just to rehearse the events of the day. Perhaps more service to one another ? a back rub, a foot rub, an offer to wash the car or the dishes. Maybe you need to start praying together. Even five minutes a day can make all the difference. Perhaps an occasional surprise to lift the spirits and bring a smile ? flowers, candy, dinner out. Perhaps some outside help from your pastor or a professional counselor. Maybe there?s an opportunity to minister together that has been on your heart for some time, but you just haven?t mentioned it. Perhaps now is the time.

Whatever you work out, do it together and watch your marriage be the ministry God intended it to be! Remember: The marital relationship is one of the best situations in which God places us to build our character and make us more like Jesus. Our love for God will never be greater than our worst earthly relationship.

Copyright (c) 2003 Eileen Rife. All rights reserved.
Appeared in Light & Life magazine 2006