Guarding the Heart of Your Marriage

WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN

"Coping with Infidelity in Marriage"

(note:  In the following article, the pronoun "he" has been

used to refer to both genders).

Infidelity. A word you never want to hear. A situation you

never want to face. But, unfortunately, many do. And when

it happens, trust is broken.

Renowned secular psychologist, Eric Erikson, suggests that

there are eight psycho-social stages of development. Stage

five is identity verses identity confusion. According to Erikson,

if a person masters identity, then he will know the virture of

fidelity. He has a solid understanding of who he is and where

he is going.

Infidelity within a marriage reveals a lack of a clear identity

on the part of the offender, which may in turn confuse the

offended partner, shaking his foundation.

The offender is no longer viewed as an honest, reliable

person. The offended spouse may wonder what else he has

been keeping a secret. Integrity crumbles, leaving the

offended mate shaken emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

He may question his worth and value as a person.

Identity involves clarifying goals (what you say you are going

to do), values (what you actually do), and beliefs (the founda-

tion underlying what you say you want to do). For the Christian,

the Bible is the basis for a solid belief system. In reference to

infidelity, the Scripture clearly teaches that "it is God's will that

you should be sanctified:  that you should avoid sexual immorality;

that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way

that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen,

who do not know God." (I Thessalonians 4:3-5)

Let's suppose that our couple in question are both professing

believers. What responsibility does each spouse have in restoring

a marital relationship marred by infidelity?

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDER...

Two practical steps can aid healing.

1)   Write a letter to God confessing the sin against Him. Revisit

your foundation in Christ, reaffirming your identity in Him. You are

forgiven, chosen, redeemed, beloved, and so much more, according

to Ephesians chapter one. Knowing who you are in Christ can

establish a firm identity that helps you behave according to your

position--God's holy child!

2)   Write a letter to your offended spouse acknowledging

confession to God and to your spouse. Express repentance--

desire to turn from the affair. Ask forgiveness. Then outline the

trust-building tools you will put in place to verify to your mate

that you are taking steps to restore the broken marriage. Invite

your offended spouse to be part of the accountability process.

Allow him to "check in" on your life. Not only tell your spouse

that you broke off the affair, but allow him to contact the "other

person" to verify the truth. The offended partner needs to also

hear it from the third party.

The offended spouse also needs to see that you are employing

multiple buffers to keep from falling back into sin. Personal prayer,

Bible study, church attendance, small groups, accountability

relationships with same-sex believers, ministry endeavors, and

couple dates are all ways to show your spouse that you are taking

concrete action to shield yourself and your marriage from harm.

IF YOU ARE THE OFFENDED...

1)    Write your own letter to God, expressing any feelings

of anger, confusion, grief. You may experience a righteous

anger over the sin (Eph.4:26). You may even be angry at

God for not keeping the infidelity from happening. By faith,

present yourself to the Lord, along with all the hurt and

abuse you have suffered. Climb up on the altar, surrendering

fully to God's will for you NOW (Rom.12:1). Choose to

forgive your spouse for the wrong suffered, just as God in

Christ has forgiven you (Eph.4:32).

2)    Write a letter to your spouse. Express the "why." Share

your confusion. Ask him to help you understand why he

would do such a thing. Communicate the hurt, betrayal,

anger. Be willing to identify your responsibility and confess

any wrong on your part. You may feel you were only 5 %

responsible. Maybe so, but take 100 % responsibility for your

5 %. Allow God to heal you. Reconcile to build a healthy

love relationship with your spouse. The Holy Spirit can

work in your mate through your example.

Over time, trust can be restored, as each partner commits

to God's restoration process.