Guarding the Heart of Your Marriage

Psychologists agree that communication is the key to a healthy, growing marriage. But often sharing our thoughts, feelings, and desires is easier said than done. Healthy communication involves three things:

1. Effective talking
   
2. Effective listening
   
3. Effective understanding

Trying to understand another person’s opinion or point of view does not automatically mean that you agree with or endorse that opinion. Allow for differences of opinion and remember that the effort to understand what each other is conveying actually represents enriched communication. In other words, we can disagree without quarreling. Our listening to understand demonstrates our character and reveals our desire to honor the other person. As you seek to honor one another through your communication, be available to your mate, accept responsibility for your own thoughts, acts, values, feelings and perceptions you contribute to the conflict. Be flexible and willing to make some degree of change, so that you both can move toward a joint solution. Be specific as you focus on a practical outcome that is within the range of possibility. And finally, be clear in your presentation of your point(s). your words, tone of voice, facial expression, posture, must all be congruent with each other and with the setting in which they are said.

Several things are helpful when communication is blocked.

1. WRITE: Each person writes on paper his/her view of what is being discussed.
   
2. READ: Each person reads what the other person has written. Each person looks for areas of agreement. Watch for multiple topics (you can only resolve one issue at a time).
   
3. REPORT: Each person reports verbally what he/she has read.
   
4. QUESTION: Each person asks the other if he/she has reported his/her view accurately.
   
5. DISCUSS: Build on areas of agreement. Explore the alternatives—brainstorm. Choose the best alternative (no alternative will be perfect). Increase your “understanding” of each other and then you will both win. Use “speaker cards” as needed to avoid interrupting. The speaker card can be any card with the word speaker written on it. It is used to take turns in the conversation. Remember the ultimate goal is to love, honor and prefer one another.
   
6. REPEAT: If communication breaks down, begin writing again. This will seem strange and stilted to some, but it will work, if you do it! You will be surprised how quickly you will outgrow this technique. This technique is helpful whenever difficult decisions must be made.
   
7. REJOICE: You can now confront difficult problems together successfully. You can now share with other couples what you have learned.

Thinking before we speak to our mates is a simple matter of discipline. An example of a poor statement would be, “You make me so mad!” We encourage people to say, “I feel very angry and hurt, when you ignore me when I’m talking to you, because it seems like you don’t care about me or what I am saying. I would prefer that you either pay attention to me or tell me when we could talk.” Communicating your concern from an “I” perspective minimizes threat to your spouse. Writing down this process can be helpful as you train yourself to think before you speak.

I FEEL: How do you feel about the other’s behavior or actions?
WHEN YOU: What exactly did he/she do?
BECAUSE: Explain how the behavior or actions affect you.
I WOULD PREFER: What behavior would be acceptable to both of you?

Ask your spouse for his/her thoughts: WHAT DO YOU THINK? LISTEN to them NOW.

Keep in mind that you, as a couple are not the enemy. Oftentimes, we turn our issues into grounds for attacking the other person, when the mate is not the problem, the topic is! Keep the topic before you and focus on the process of resolution. Work together as a team to come to an agreement based on your writings.

TRY THIS: Pick a topic. Take ten minutes each day this week to communicate your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Use the tips we have discussed. Let us know how you are doing and how we can be of further help by visiting our GUEST BOOK.

The above excerpt was taken from Marriage with an Attitude, How to Build an Exciting Marriage With a Fantastic Attitude! Chuck and Eileen Rife (c) 2000, Logos to Rhema.